Starting Over & Getting OUT

Early on last week I posted about revelations I had realized over the course of a weekend and I mentioned that I would post about some of them in detail later — well, now is later. Nothing like the present, right?

Ever get a sense that you’re in the wrong place? That you need to find yourself and move toward something? Or just the sense that you’ve accomplished what you need to accomplish right here in this place and now the moment has passed & you need to go somewhere else, find something else that sparks a passion and accomplish that? This particular revelation has to do with just that.

I come from what I consider a small town. Now to some, this place I call home isn’t so small but comparitively speaking to cities like NYC, Atlanta, Seattle, Boston, etc., it is. I’m in a small southern town and have lived here all my life. My family is here, my friends are here, my work is here, and while I love all these things dearly, I still feel like there’s a part of me that needs to move outside of here. I’ve mentioned in prior posts about my love affair with larger cities and I’ve mentioned how much I feel at ease in them or rather, like I belong. In some ways, it’s like there is a force that is pulling me out of this little town and into some big city. And I suppose, the question would be why I haven’t ventured out and relocated.

For some, picking up and moving is easy. For me, it’s a little more complicated. Or so I’ve made it that way. Take my job for example. (It may sound a little crazy to start off by talking about my job rather than my family – but you’ll see where I’m going here momentarily.) I absolutely LOVE my job. I work for a great company and have been with them for 12 years. They give me the freedom and liberty to call the shots that I need to call and they’ve made me an integral part of the company and it’s vision. I feel important and needed there — like my skills and my personality are perfectly suited for them. Overall, they treat me well and they have been good to me. I feel fortunate to have a job that I enjoy and gain satisfaction from. Of course, they could pay me more but I feel comfortable saying that we all think we deserve to be paid more. Right? In my case, I know, beyond a shadow of doubt that if I were to move I could easily double my pay….and then some.

What am I waiting on you ask? Ah… yes. Well, here’s where the family comes in. Several years ago I was actively looking for jobs in larger cities — ones that were 200-300 miles from here, not completely across the country — and I was excited about the possibility of breaking out and moving on and starting over. (Afterall, sometimes we ALL need to start over.) Anyway, this was around the same time that my dad became ill and consequently passed away. My mother lives here, my sister & her family live about an hour away. When dad died, I just couldn’t bring myself to move away from this town and my mother. I felt like she needed me. My parents had been married for 43 years when my dad died — my mother had never been on her own. She was one of those — live with your parents til you marry girls and then she married and moved in with dad. She had never lived alone and here she was 61 years old and attempting to do it for the very first time. My sister has 4 children, it wasn’t feasible for her to try to be here as much as I could be and so, my job search and relocation came to a halt. That was ok — with my family is where I needed to be.

Shortly thereafter, my mother became ill with breast cancer. She had never been sick or in the hospital a day in her life — in fact, she had only been in the hospital to give birth to my sister and me, but here she was facing cancer a little more than a year after dad died. No way could I pack my bags and leave then. She needed me — and badly. I remember going to stay with her for weeks at a time during her chemo b/c she would get so weak that she’d pass out, occasionally hitting her head or something on the fall down. I’m a nurturer at heart and I wanted to take care of my mom — and, well, that’s what I did. My job/work was totally understanding and allowed me to come and go as I pleased, never questioning a thing, never upset with me, never docking my pay, & never telling me I had used all my sick/vacation days. How many companies do you know that will allow you to do that? I don’t know of many. The good news today is that mom is cancer free and doing well!! Go Mom!!

So, back to me and my revelation. That weekend (the one of revelations), I realized that I think it’s time again for me to start looking and venturing out. But to be honest, I’m scared. Not exactly sure why — If I had to guess it would be because I’d be moving outside my comfort zone. I’d be leaving a great job with great job security for a job that could have no job security. Let’s face it folks – I’m a single gal and I’m the only one paying the bills around this joint. It’s not an option not to have a job and I fear that if I move I’ll either hate my new job b/c I’ll be comparing it to this one or something will happen with the economy and they’ll lay off the most recent hires. That’s a little frightening. At the same time, the thought of moving to a larger city is exciting and alluring. It’s the thought of being able to actually have something to do in the evenings — there is NOTHING to do here. I love football and baseball and to be in a large city that has sporting events year ’round to go to — oh man — heaven for me! Then there’s shopping! Did I mention there’s NO WHERE to shop here? I have to drive about an hour away to have any decent shopping — the shopping in big cities is fantastic!! Next up, fine dining. I love fine dining and take the opportunity anytime it arises to enjoy a fantastic meal and I especially enjoy trying new things. Let’s see, what else? There’s the nightlife which may or may not be that appealing – who knows — and then there’s the possibility of finding someone to date. Chances I’m sure are higher in larger cities than in small po-dunk towns like this one. Everyone knows everyone here and it’s a royal pain in the ass.

So, where does this bring me? Do I start looking again? Do I move and start over? Should I be scared? Have you moved before and started over? What was it like? How did things work out? Can anyone share their experiences with this? People move all the time – but I don’t and I just don’t want to make a mistake —- but at the same time I feel like I’ll regret NOT moving and taking a chance if I don’t do it now while I can. I’m young, I’m marketable, there’s nothing keeping me here now so to speak…so what to do? Anyone care to shed some light on the situation or give me any advice??? This time I’m asking for it so please don’t hold back. Talk to me………